cookiepens!

i don’t know whats happening.. or whatever that is going on around me.

not anymore.

to be honesty, for the past.. 2 years? i haven’t been affected much by bad results. in a sense that, if i got back a paper and it showed bad results, i wouldn’t really be sad or upset or stressed. i don’t really know why.

maybe its cause during primary school, i failed a math test and i cried.. and my classmate who got lower than me was comforting me with his laughter. i guess when i look back at those times when my classmates actually acted as friends.. i feel quite touched, however guilty at the same time. maybe i’m disappointed in myself. disappointed for not going back to my primary school for the whole of my secondary school life. 

yet maybe its cause i went to a different secondary school from the rest, and am just segregated from them. or maybe deep down i wanted to be so. who knows. 

back to the topic of bad results. ever since that time, where i still remember vividly the scene of me crying and my friendlaughing, i begun to look at bad results as.. not a bad thing.

i always laughed at myself, high-fived all those who got the same, jokingly cursed those above, and similarly laughed at those just a tad lower. 

and this just repeats itself. and it has been, for the past 5 years. though i admit i was quite upset when i saw my PSLE score. i knew that i could have achieved more. but looking back and looking at what i have, i realise that.. its all planned. 

sorry for drifting off again. i have so much to say. so much. its all bottled up all the time. i have absolutely nowhere to put all the thoughts and emotions. so now.. when i try to let some out, it just comes out in random chunks and most of it don’t really link properly. hope i’m actually making some sense here. i wonder who actually reads this tumblr. so i’m probably typing this for myself to see. i feel like i’m talking to myself. haha this is hilarious..

so anyway, when i got my bio paper back today, i felt.. something i felt before, but the feeling was something old, something that had not appeared in my heart and mind for quite some time. then i thought.. woah. i’m actually feeling upset cause of bad results. maybe its cause this bio paper has been the easiest of ALL the papers so far. yeah, that fact probably contributed to the me being upset thing. then i got over it lorh. i mean i get over these kinds of things quite easily now.. too used it to it alr. 

i mean i was still upset luh. there’s always this certain level of upsetness that will just stay there. then okay lorh. then math.. *shakes head* horrible. i expected to get quite a good result. got my paper back.. and i saw such a horrible mark. i mean it may be good to some, but this is definitely not my standard. 

my dad once said.. if you’re meant to get an A, you should get an A, and be satisfied. if not satisfied, you can push the limit and get higher than an A. however if you’re meant to get an A, but you get a B, and you think that since everyone else got lower than me i’m happy, thats wrong. you should only be satisfied or happy when you achieve what you’re supposed to get. 

question is, what exactly is the supposed standard of every individual?

so i saw the mark, and i knew that that was nowhere near the standard of my math. i knew, cause the mistakes i made.. were so simple. so. simple.

thinking about the paper(s).. makes me think back at the emotions i felt.. and all of a sudden.. the emotions do gush back.

i guess i’ll just end off abruptly here, and get back to life. 

i guess i should actually feel lucky that i actually have all these, as compared to the less unfortunate. 

i should learn to cherish more, and work harder for what i want and need. 

I’m disappointed in myself.

there’s so much stress and i don’t know how to handle all of it.

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chloemayboyce:

i wish i could

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lovequotesrus:

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lovequotesrus:

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nicolette-tay:

the moment when you just don’t know what you want anymore.

everything you do feels like a routine.

your mind, your heart and soul is tired of everything. 

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leilockheart:

FOLLOW for more photos

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yanilavigne:

More Lovely Quotes Here:)

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